We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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