literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
