1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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