bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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