I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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