My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
