she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
