Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
