you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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