He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
