oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
