Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Randomize
