If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
