Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
