yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
