I will die if light touches me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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