WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
