dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
