wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
