Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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