I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
barbara walters just said penis...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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