you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
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A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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