I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
