you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just tell him i said nine months
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
