I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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