i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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