if i can run in heels then i can drive
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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