Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
