he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
