Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
True college students do jello shots in the library
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