the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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