i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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