The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
