I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just forgot I was standing up.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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