the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
