Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
