i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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