On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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