I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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