The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
