So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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