everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
