what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
