Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
