I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
