i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
