is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
