so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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