Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
