U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
