she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
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The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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