I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
