my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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