I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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