I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
