i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
