textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
