We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
