i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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