i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
