So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
