new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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